I've Lost Everything

I'm getting quite emotionless these few days, I dont feel happy nor sad for anything that happened. Sometimes I got the time to sneak out, sometimes I was just staying at home. Although I've lost all of the emotions, but I do realize something new. When I was alone I thought of many many things that people dont even give a damn about them, I think this is the only thing which saddens me sometimes. When I have those thoughts in my mind, I tend to think of my behavior because I do always behave myself, to be good and happy every day. Everything is just so WRONG since I came out from kem until now, what I hoped is never what I see now. I mean it, so WRONG!

I believe that that'e because I am so empty now so everything leads me to think about these unnecessary stuffs and so on. I hope you can give some endless tasks for me to do and I'll bury my head into them, let me be a busy one. I miss those how my days were filled by incomplete works and insolvable problems, just put my everything into them and I would not even had some times for me to think more of them. Being busy is like getting yourself drunk, not to understand nor stay fully conscious of what is happening out there. I think I know why people love getting drunk now.

I used to think that I was a pretty contented person, although I am not having everything from my craving list, at least I was satisfied with what I have and I received lots of loves and supports from everyone around. But now it's like everything has to start from zero, I've lost everything I have. It's not that I didnt try my best to seek it and cover up the flaws, all I can concluded is things never come back to me anymore. So I am here blaming myself for letting go of them easily, unknowingly. I have really tried my very best but still, :(

I try to be nice but I just got rejected everytime, so it's not that I get emotional over some stupid little things like that, when all of these come to me one by one and I accepted them without murmured anything I guess everyone has their limits too. That's sam tam in cantonese. Sometimes I really dislike myself to be too quiet and stay in a corner because that's when I'm getting little emotional lol. I would rather see the cheerful side of myself because happiness is the only thing that everyone pursues and everyone needs.

Everyone forgets what they said, and what they promised.